Tiger's Wild Ambien Sex

My girl Kimmy called last night and asked me with a great deal of righteous indignation if I'd heard about Tiger's Wild Ambien Sex.

The truth is, I saw one joke about it on Twitter, and meant to follow the link, but just never got around to it. But I think I get the gist. Tiger likes to have sex on Ambien? Wild sex?

Kimmy's objection --- and the one I hear from other fellow Ambien devotees --- is, GREAT! Now Tiger's gonna ruin it for the rest of us. Right now, it's thoroughly readily available, but as soon as its image goes "recreational," somebody will step in and regulate it, and that'll mean the end of sleep for those of us who are lucky to get three or four hours a night as it is.

My (well-documented) Ambien experiences mostly surround Food. When it involves boys, it's usually boys bringing me food. But what everybody wants to know about now (thanks to Tiger) is the Wild Ambien Sex.

Maybe there is, and maybe there isn't. The thing is: I wouldn't remember either way. Sure, I've been known to wear some pretty ... wild... get-ups post-Ambien (turtlenecks... snowflake pajamas... that kinda thing).

The only recent conversational memory I have of a post-Ambien interlude is hearing the question, "ummm, are you... awake?" Which, I think, does not exactly constitute a Rave Review. The tone more than suggested that this was a moment for which I should've been conscious, and further implied that perhaps I was not doing my share of the heavy lifting.

So I asked him later if we'd been having any of that wild Ambien sex... and he answered, "Well, I don't know about youuuuuuu...."

Would I Like a Nice Joke? Why no, I would not.

I just cleaned out 48 spam comments -- which is highly irritating -- but sometimes a little fascinating.

Aside from the ones that begin with "I have a nice joke for you," there are half dozen for Viagra, and La Viagra (which is apparently its Fronch counterpart, though I think it should be "Le.")  Here's what I think about Viagra. I don't like it. It's only come up (so to speak) a couple times, and I found it... a little insulting. I am sure it is a marvelous medical miracle for the men who need it post-war-injury or surgery (my stepdad had that surgery, and honestly, I heard a little more about it than I want to; nobody wants to know what their MOM thinks of Viagra. Ewww).

Here's what I also know about Viagra (thanks Dr. Oz) I'm paraphrasing here, but this is more or less what I got: Viagra spiffs up the nitric oxide release. And here's the thing about that, if you have a nitric oxide problem, don't just medicate it. You might have something wrong with your heart for Chrissake. That's a symptom. Don't confuse this with medical advice, I'm just sayin. My personal concern wasn't for cardiac health in those few (very few) cases -- my concern was that maybe I'd lost mah touch. (I certainly hope they're all dead by now... because that would be enormously reassuring.)

There are several more ads for "tramadol," which, as I understand it is Painkillers for Addicts. The idea, I think, is that you can't get high from it? Here's what I think about that: if they're spam-marketing it, somebody has figured out a way to get high from it.

There are almost a dozen that say "buy cheap  Xanax, no prescription," and I can only assume they've never tried Xanax... because it runs about 7 bucks. That's with a prescription. Without a prescription, I have a feeling  it is still relatively inexpensive, just judging from the indiscriminating footwear choices evidenced by the robust traffic that takes place near the bus stop outside my office.

I found a few more for "overnight Ambien," and of course, as Ambien fans know, "overnight" would still be too late. When you want Ambien, you want it R.F.N.

Then I saw a spam for "Buspar without a prescription!" which made me chuckle nostalgically -- reminded of Robert Earl Keen's observation when a friend mentioned a beer, and he recalled "whyyyy, I hadn't had a Schlitz beer.... since elementary school." (I can't even believe they still make BuSpar.)

Ambien Strips?!

Talking to pal Kimmy last night, we had a nice chat about the miracle of those Listerine pocket strips that dissolve on your tongue, and she mentioned that products like Theraflu etc now also come in convenient strip form.



My idea?

Ambien strips.

I, of course, have no scientific aptitude whatsoever -- but I sure do know what the market will bear.

Can somebody get on this please?

I Licked It. And I Liked it. Really.

Uh-Oh.

I'm reading Professor Kakie's Facebook tonight and I see she's posted a link to this New York Times article:

FTC to rule Blogs Must Disclose Gifts or Pay for Reviews


http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/06/business/media/06adco.html?_r=1&ref=business

Since I suck as a blogger, that link probably won't work, so here's the gist of what the New York Times said:

"For bloggers who review products, this means that the days of an unimpeded flow of giveaways may be over. More broadly, the move suggests that the government is intent on bringing to bear on the Internet the same sorts of regulations that have governed other forms of media, like television or print."

To which I say: WHAT? Bloggers get an unimpeded flow of giveaways?!

And parenthetically: where do I sign up?

Now, I work in the newspaper biz, so I am very aware of the practice of "pay to play," and I have never, ever engaged in it. There are plenty media folks in this town who will happily pucker up whenever an advertiser says "we'll pay you X if you say Y." Lots of people ASK for that kinda consideration, but no one's ever successfully gotten it. Not from me. Not from anybody I've worked with, or for. Even the delightful studio advertisers are painfully aware that if a movie sucks (for example), I'll be the first to say so. Out loud. In print. Online. On Facebook. On Twitter. Anywhere I get the chance really. Even if I got a free pass, or hosted the Sneak Preview. I often get free tickets to fancy parties, and I'm sure the hosts know I'll probably write about it... but they definitely never know what I'm gonna write (and it's not unusual for me not to get invited back).

If I like something, on the other hand -- for example, Bacon, Ambien, and Sam Shepard -- I'll say that too. Ambien certainly SHOULD put me on their payroll, but no, I pay for it just like all the other mortals do.

As a blogger, however -- clearly a naive and inexperienced one -- no one's ever even suggested any "promotional consideration." Hmmmph. I'm feeling kinda offended actually. Because I would totally be the Kathy Griffin of Lexington's D-List given half a chance. (I still remember her getting that sofa paid for on Season One of the D-List.)

Now that I'm learning how all this stuff works though, let me make it clear: I bought the Box of Bandit Wine that I served on Friday. The obvious delight and glee on Jupiter's face is clearly unforced. The subsequent endorsement from our favorite stereotype-busting corporate lawyer who I enlisted/forced to bartend was equally genuine and unsolicited: "Maybe I was just thirsty, but..." (I am pretty sure he said it was OK to quote him on that... And if it isn't, I am pretty sure he will sue me or enjoin me or something). The Wine Boxers are now following me on Twitter, which is funny, because I order maybe two drinks a year (and I rarely finish those).

As for my college buddy who saw me at the Food Show the next day -- she DID give me that fabulous pillar of salt in which we can now serve margaritas. I think she gave it to me because 1. She knew perfectly well I would be a poster girl for the "Lick it. Love it. Live it" campaign. And, 2. She went to college with me for heaven's sake, and as a classmate, she definitely has first-hand experience of my ability to get the word out (for both good, and for evil).

Because of course, here's the double-edged sword of giving me stuff, or telling me stuff, or even knowing me -- if something sucks, I'll say it sucks. And to anyone who then seems surprised, my response is always the same.

It's a variation on the famous tortoise/scorpion story where the scorpion asks the tortoise for a ride across the river and the tortoise says, Forget it, you'll sting me to death. The scorpion says he won't, because that'd be stupid, since they'd both drown. Halfway across, the scorpion stings the tortoise and as they're sinking, the tortoise asks why. And the scorpion says, "it's my nature."

The version I learned from my grandmother (subsequently embroaced by one of my favorite boyfriends from my 20s, for reasons that soon became obvious) was about a Woman who's walking through a blizzard and comes upon a snake who asks if he can take shelter inside her shirt, for warmth. She says of course not, because he'll bite her. He says No, no. They both need the warmth, and if she dies, he'll die too. So she puts him inside her blouse, where he promptly does bite her, and as they're both slowly succumbing to the cold, she asks why. His answer is, "You knew I was a snake when you picked me up."

So that's what I say to anyone chagrined by what I write: You knew I was a snake when you picked me up.

I shoulda known that boyfriend was a little too fond of that expression, and it is absolutely true that he already had a perfectly good girlfriend when I met him.

To mix the metaphors, he turned out to be a hard dog to keep on the porch...but I DID know he was a Snake when I picked him up.