The Voice of Color

I am not the "Voice of Color," but it does now follow me on Twitter. They tagged me yesterday in this post, "@RealityTrucks Uses PPG Porter Paint & NO other! http://is.gd/aUzwO & has color goals in mind before painting. We're swooning! Thanks :)" 

I think they'll be disappointed (much like all the high-style design outfits that followed me after I wrote so frequently about Dwell Magazine -- clearly having no idea the shame I was capable of accidentally wreaking -- it being entirely true that I've based many of my palettes largely on Adrien Lyne movies. Or as one of my DesignGays put it, "I'm not sure 'Bravery' is the word we're going for here.")

"Voice of Color" was referring to a recent blog where I did, in fact say I am a Porter Girl (although I do use Ralph Lauren and other lines as color-whores. Everyone knows I don't feel like a house is a home until the first coat of Glyptek White Umber has been applied to the trim. And I don't want to be...untoward... but yeah, I admit I had a little spring in my step all day just knowing my "color goals" had made a Search Engine Optimizer swoon -- complete with an emoticon no less. (It is much better than all the Lenten entreaties/entweeties begging me not to bring certain industries crashing to their knees, so to speak, depending on what I decided to give up for Lent.)

I think it's pretty clear that this is a non-commercial blog, but I felt compelled to promptly post on the blog's facebook fan page (which never links correctly here, so consider that a non-endorsement) that Porter Paint did not pay me to say that (I am sure if they had paid me, they might have asked me to phrase things differently), while adding (in what could be construed as a disgruntled tone) that I didn't even get any free paint from them either. (Where's the love?) Just like none of us ever got any free boxed wine after the famous Bandit boxed wine blog which I wrote right after all the FTC disclosure notices made the news, even though I had never been a recipient of what the NYT characterized as "the days of an unimpeded flow of giveaways," which were evidently grinding to a close.

But no,  my Porter-commitment is based on years of hard-won experience and is one of those things in life I just expect everyone to treat as if it's now established empirical fact, and is neither a matter of opinion, nor up for debate, i.e., Coke is better than Pepsi. It's just true. I was raised in a Pepsi household. As soon as I grew up (and realized I was free to go), I moved out, and switched to Coke. I also grew up in a household that painted every few years, but only ever in May, after the Sears Annual Memorial Day Paint Sale. I grew up, and painted my first apartment one Memorial Day weekend, and that was my last trip to Sears.

My understanding is that "monetizing" frequently leads to "tacky," and while I never say never to selling out (if anybody ever asked dammit, and the price was right), I think I can safely avoid the temptation as long as I can resist 17 cents a month for the privilege of pop-ups like this one turning up in the margins.

So, to this day, I remain uncompensated by Ambien, Bacon, or Sam Shepard, which shocks (shocks) me, and to that I would add, Man, I can't even get arrested at Hermes (...except for the fact that, somehow...I feel sure I could. If they locked Oprah out, prison is probably the least they have in store for me.

The Box is Back

I saw a link this morning that our beloved box wine from Front Porch Friday has been selected Wine of the WEEK by "Wine Experience." I was heretofore unfamiliar with their work, but now I might bookmark it.

Again, the link probably won't work, so here's what it says:

"Not only is this a tasty and drinkable Pinot Grigio but it’s made to go anywhere."

Tasty AND drinkable?

Say No Mo!

I also learned from them that it is not really a "box of wine," so much as it is "a Tetra Pak," which sounds more rugged and outdoorsy and less alcoholic-y.

But what I love more than anything is their disclaimers -- the likes of which would've never occurred to me as a critic/editor.

For example:

"When you read our thoughts, please remember that you may think differently."

I am not even sure about the "may" in that context. Does it mean "you may" as in "you are allowed" or does it mean "you may" as in "it could happen" that you would think differently than we do?

Also,

Wine consumption can have positive physical benefits or cause possible physical harm.

See, I thought all that was obvious, and am clearly in no way prepared for blogging in a post-McDonald's "this coffee is HOT" disclaimer era.

I Licked It. And I Liked it. Really.

Uh-Oh.

I'm reading Professor Kakie's Facebook tonight and I see she's posted a link to this New York Times article:

FTC to rule Blogs Must Disclose Gifts or Pay for Reviews


http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/06/business/media/06adco.html?_r=1&ref=business

Since I suck as a blogger, that link probably won't work, so here's the gist of what the New York Times said:

"For bloggers who review products, this means that the days of an unimpeded flow of giveaways may be over. More broadly, the move suggests that the government is intent on bringing to bear on the Internet the same sorts of regulations that have governed other forms of media, like television or print."

To which I say: WHAT? Bloggers get an unimpeded flow of giveaways?!

And parenthetically: where do I sign up?

Now, I work in the newspaper biz, so I am very aware of the practice of "pay to play," and I have never, ever engaged in it. There are plenty media folks in this town who will happily pucker up whenever an advertiser says "we'll pay you X if you say Y." Lots of people ASK for that kinda consideration, but no one's ever successfully gotten it. Not from me. Not from anybody I've worked with, or for. Even the delightful studio advertisers are painfully aware that if a movie sucks (for example), I'll be the first to say so. Out loud. In print. Online. On Facebook. On Twitter. Anywhere I get the chance really. Even if I got a free pass, or hosted the Sneak Preview. I often get free tickets to fancy parties, and I'm sure the hosts know I'll probably write about it... but they definitely never know what I'm gonna write (and it's not unusual for me not to get invited back).

If I like something, on the other hand -- for example, Bacon, Ambien, and Sam Shepard -- I'll say that too. Ambien certainly SHOULD put me on their payroll, but no, I pay for it just like all the other mortals do.

As a blogger, however -- clearly a naive and inexperienced one -- no one's ever even suggested any "promotional consideration." Hmmmph. I'm feeling kinda offended actually. Because I would totally be the Kathy Griffin of Lexington's D-List given half a chance. (I still remember her getting that sofa paid for on Season One of the D-List.)

Now that I'm learning how all this stuff works though, let me make it clear: I bought the Box of Bandit Wine that I served on Friday. The obvious delight and glee on Jupiter's face is clearly unforced. The subsequent endorsement from our favorite stereotype-busting corporate lawyer who I enlisted/forced to bartend was equally genuine and unsolicited: "Maybe I was just thirsty, but..." (I am pretty sure he said it was OK to quote him on that... And if it isn't, I am pretty sure he will sue me or enjoin me or something). The Wine Boxers are now following me on Twitter, which is funny, because I order maybe two drinks a year (and I rarely finish those).

As for my college buddy who saw me at the Food Show the next day -- she DID give me that fabulous pillar of salt in which we can now serve margaritas. I think she gave it to me because 1. She knew perfectly well I would be a poster girl for the "Lick it. Love it. Live it" campaign. And, 2. She went to college with me for heaven's sake, and as a classmate, she definitely has first-hand experience of my ability to get the word out (for both good, and for evil).

Because of course, here's the double-edged sword of giving me stuff, or telling me stuff, or even knowing me -- if something sucks, I'll say it sucks. And to anyone who then seems surprised, my response is always the same.

It's a variation on the famous tortoise/scorpion story where the scorpion asks the tortoise for a ride across the river and the tortoise says, Forget it, you'll sting me to death. The scorpion says he won't, because that'd be stupid, since they'd both drown. Halfway across, the scorpion stings the tortoise and as they're sinking, the tortoise asks why. And the scorpion says, "it's my nature."

The version I learned from my grandmother (subsequently embroaced by one of my favorite boyfriends from my 20s, for reasons that soon became obvious) was about a Woman who's walking through a blizzard and comes upon a snake who asks if he can take shelter inside her shirt, for warmth. She says of course not, because he'll bite her. He says No, no. They both need the warmth, and if she dies, he'll die too. So she puts him inside her blouse, where he promptly does bite her, and as they're both slowly succumbing to the cold, she asks why. His answer is, "You knew I was a snake when you picked me up."

So that's what I say to anyone chagrined by what I write: You knew I was a snake when you picked me up.

I shoulda known that boyfriend was a little too fond of that expression, and it is absolutely true that he already had a perfectly good girlfriend when I met him.

To mix the metaphors, he turned out to be a hard dog to keep on the porch...but I DID know he was a Snake when I picked him up.

Here. Lick This.

I went to a food show yesterday and ran into an old college buddy who handed me something and said, "here. Lick this."

So, I did.

And then I said, "hey, what about swine flu and all that?" And she said something fairly complicated about salt's anti-microbial properties or something.

Here's what I remembered: she lived on the same floor I did freshman year, and she was smarter than me (smarter than I? smarter than I was?)

I also just tend to revert to college behavior when I run into college classmates, so if one of them hands me something and says "here, lick this," then I just do.

It turns out, it's this pillar of salt you can pour drinks into -- like margaritas. It was delicious. (She also had these slabs of salt you use as, like, a cutting board?)

Man! That is almost as great an idea as the box of wine I bought Friday night. And then served to people. And they drank it too.

I didn't have any, but I was just so in awe of the marketing genius I HAD to buy it.

Instead of branding itself as the drink of choice for Alcoholics who have no time or money to fumble with corks, it re-positions itself as the eco-friendly portable drink of choice for the bohemian bourgeoisie (wouldn't it be great at Shakespeare in the Park we marveled?)... Just add a straw and it's the perfect juice-box for grown-ups.

On the back of the box, it says: Why Bandit, and lists ten reasons. Among them:

2.

Thirty three percent more wine, and then it does the math, 1 liter vs. 750 ml. Now, like everyone else, I refused to learn the metric conversions when I was told to in the 70s -- and it's one of those few vestiges of American Imperialism that still seems to serve us well (but consequently, I don't actually know what 1 liter vs. 750 ml means. But I do know thirty three percent more is probably better.)

3.

Lower shipping weight = less fuel emissions (Barbara Kingsolver would surely be proud).

5.

No corked wine. I vaguely recall reading something about corks being endangered, or causing mercury poisoning in tuna, or whatever, so maybe that's good.

8.

Made largely of Renewable Resources. Of course, "renewable resources" is just
another marketing ploy (it could be made out of small children for all I know...or care, for that matter... because...

Number 1? You can crush it on your forehead.

I thought Jupiter was just making that up, but I'm looking at the label right now and that's what it says. Right above 1.866.JugBoys, which characterizes them as "liberators of fine wine."

About the only thing it doesn't promise is to get you laid.
But maybe that's implied? Understood?
Not sure.
Perhaps you have to buy it in sufficient quantity?
Will report back.