The Big Racoon

"Loads of websites just clogging up the internet by people [who are] just doing websites about themselves. 'My name is Rupert. This is my cat. I like the Cure.' Who gives a fuck?"--Ricky Gervais


When I said, "Someone's coming in my window. Gotta call you back," I realize now I should've been more specific.

I had been on the phone with my college roommate when I heard what I thought was a racoon scratching around on my second floor awning. When I went to investigate I found half a Hot Sorority Girl protruding through the window of my second floor hall.

The top half.

She looked surprised. But not as surprised as me.

"Uh... Wrong house!" she exclaimed.

Speechless (temporarily), I think I clutched my chest in the international symbol for "I am having a heart attack," before I could gasp out the obvious, which was: "Oh! You scared me!"

She explained a little further. She thought she was breaking into her place. Next door.
I knew I should give her a hand, but I was a little paralyzed. I couldn't think whether I should help her the rest of the way in, or scootch her the rest of the way out, and then go let her in the first floor door.

I was also stricken mystified as to how she'd gotten to the second floor. Had she and her fellow Hot Sorority Girls created a makeshift cheerleading pyramid and somehow boosted her that high? 'Cause that is EXACTLY what I did when I was her age (and all I'd lost was a Ferragamo pump; also, I was very drunk; + my friends JoAlice and Tad egged me on).

Anyway. She came on in.

Which presented more problems. Like, gosh, the house was a mess. I wasn't expecting COMPANY. Mostly though, I was thinking: this could be so much worse. I was relieved, for example, I wasn't naked. (Cause sometimes, in the privacy of my own home, I am.)

I was also glad I was alone, and just as glad she hadn't interrupted a booty call. Mostly I considered her, and me, fortunate that I had NOT yet taken my Ambien...

And really really happy I hadn't shot her.

I was imagining all sorts of headlines and news crews - all of them censoring me, looking dazed, while I explained that was "one BIG fuckin racoon."