Friday, March 20, 2009

"The Bubble"

"Beautiful people are treated differently from moderately pleasant looking people. They live in a Bubble. A bubble of free drinks, kindness, and outdoor sex." 
- Jack Donaghy, 30 Rock

I wish I still had a picture of last summer's Summer Romance, but it's several BlackBerries later now so you'll just have to take my word for it that he wasn't an hallucination.The only description I can think of is, imagine the best-looking Baldwin brother (the one who doesn't even exist he's so handsome), and make him about 3x better looking and maybe 5 inches taller. As my friend SandraL described him "Now THAT is just a little bit of all-right."

If I could post the pic (and that's assuming I could figure out how to do that), you'd KNOW exactly why I was so invested in the whole Liz Lemon/Don Draper storyline on 30 Rock.

Geeks like me loooove the stories where the Tina Feys of this world hook up with the Jon Hamms.(In this particular scenario, I would be the Tina Fey.)

And we love it even more when the Tina Feys release the Jon Hamms back into the wild.

That isn't exactly how my summer romance played out.

It was more like, we spent a lot of time at Starbucks (he was an alcoholic -- the kind who doesn't drink any more; I forget what they're called; dry drunks?); we went out to eat a lot (which I really hated because he always wanted to pay and I always got the sense his business wasn't going well); and then we stopped.

And by stopped, I mean he dumped me.And by dumped me, I mean: we saw each other on a Saturday and made plans to grab a bite later in the week and then I never heard from him again. Ever.
(My mother is still convinced he's dead. A guy I went out with later speculated "he probably just ran out of money." Which I was insulted by, since I am actually a very cheap date.)

Anyway. He was a mystery to me before, during, and after.

People always say extraordinary good looks are like a great ocean view -- you quickly grow immune and it becomes ordinary -- but I'm not so sure. I actually watched a waiter at Buddy's pour hot coffee all over this guy's boot because he couldn't take his eyes off him. And I think the waiter was straight.He was just THAT good looking.

But, much like Liz Lemon's doctor boyfriend (who was confused by the Heimlich) he was otherwise admittedly unremarkable.

For fun, he liked to play poker. He thought Vegas was a great vacation. He might HAVE thought it was ok to marinate salmon in Gatorade, and it seems entirely likely he would not have been able to use irony properly in a sentence. (Liz: "he can't play tennis. He can't cook. He's as bad at sex as I am. But he has no idea.")

Awhile after he dumped me, I posted on Facebook that I was maybe ready for a new boyfriend -- "tall and handsome as the last one, but smarter this time."

My friend Linda thought that was mean, and my response was that this guy would NEVER figure out Facebook. (MySpace sure, but not Facebook.)

Although to be fair, he did find my Twitter all on his own...

And I only wish that meant what it sounds like it means.

I eventually realized he didn't require a rebound when I remembered that I only went out with him in the first place because HE was a rebound from the even BETTER looking guy who had broken my heart at Christmas (ok, imagine Jake Gyllenhaal, but about 5 inches taller and in MUCH better shape).

Apparently... I really AM that shallow.

Liz Lemon is just a better, more evolved woman than I am.


  1. "I actually watched a waiter at Buddy's pour hot coffee all over this guy's boot because he couldn't take his eyes off him."

    I wish I'd been there to see that!

  2. I like them beautiful. Beautiful, creative...and screwed in the head. I've been with 2 beautiful to look at emotionally abusive alcoholics. And a couple of beautiful to look at plain assholes without addictions.

    I just can't be with an unattractive guy for some reason. I married an average looking guy when I was younger and was never sexually attracted to him and not married very long.

    I wish I could want a sweet average looking or even slightly unattractive guy. Maybe one day I'll grow up.

  3. Ah, the dumping. I remember making plans to do something later in the week with my high school girlfriend. She was beautiful, smart, obsessed with going to Wellesley. Her father had been president of Millsaps. She was a bit obsessed with him too. They were liberals who fled Mississippi. She was everything I wanted. But she was still in high school and Wellesley lay ahead. I was out of high school, not in college, and a rough road lay ahead. So, "I'll call you," I said. And I did, but it was about 25 years later, long after Wellesley. So keep waiting. Maybe he will call.


  4. Oh I've never waited for "the call" in my life.
    In fact, if somebody doesn't confirm a date with me with at least a quick text or something, they're liable to find me at the designated restaurant with their new Replacement.
    I was auditioning his within 24 hours of our last "see ya."
    It wouldn't have been so bad if he hadn't dumped me a few VERY short weeks before my birthday -- hardly adequate time to find a sub.
    It was touch and go there for awhile, but luckily, an Emergency Backup Boyfriend came along quickly for transitional purposes.

  5. ...and just like SL's fear, Ace just might bring the Sub to the dead boyfriend's funeral!