Volume One: The Condensed Version

The last couple weeks, it seems like all I've done is go to production meetings about the new book (there is no way to write that without sounding like a poser; I tried about seven) -- during which, I've had to describe, in great detail, everything I disliked about the last book -- so I can avoid making the same mistakes this time out. It's not that I hated it, exactly.  Mostly, I was just really, really young. That problem has since been solved.

What I am enjoying is Michael Jansen Miller's twitter-ized version of Reality Truck, Volume 1. He posts it in a very DailySedaris style, which is no mean feat, given that he's certainly not got Sedaris to work with for raw material.

It's funny whenever I see him tag things RTv1 -- because when I first got to twitter (a couple years ago), and I saw all the ReTweets (or "RTs") I always did wonder why everybody was suddenly talking to me all the time.

At any rate, here's a sampling of Reality Truck, Volume 1 the way Michael Jansen Miller sees it, 140 characters at a time (along with a few of his related observations):

• "I asked for a whole new look, I'm just not sure I wanted that new look to say, 'will this be cash or charge?'- Reality Truck V.1"

• "Life was good, or more important (where I went to school anyway) it looked good.... -RTv.1"

• "Or as my friend Scott said in pondering my birthday present, 'Does Prada make a crown of thorns for the Catholic who has everything?'- RTv.1 "

•  "...Then I got *bangs*, and it's essentially all been downhill from there." -Reality Truck V.1"

• "After hours of sparkling debate, we reached the following conclusion: Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter, because nobody listens. -RTv.1"

• "I get to my office, open up all my email and mail, and 'work.' Sometimes I 'write' and sometimes I 'edit.' Sometimes I 'cry.' -RTv.1 "

•  "I have given up hope that I will ever live in a home that would be considered "habitable" by people who have what my parents refer to as 'standards'.-RTv.1"

• "So we came to the mutual conclusion that he needed a more traditional wife. And I really hope he's found that in Mark.- Reality Truck V.1"

These two were about the same girl:  "For someone with limited musical knowledge (except whatever she gleaned as a groupie), she managed to play both of them like a fiddle.-RTv.1" and "We were 'otherwise engaged' (athletically so- I might add), at the time of her call or I might've paid more attention.- Reality Truck v1.

• "Here are three words you never want to hear in the same sentence: upper, lower, and GI.- Reality Truck V.1"

• "Things got off to a bad start when the admissions staff broke the ice by asking if I had a 'Living Will.' -Reality Truck V.1"

• "I had to give up caffeine, chocolate, and cheap red wine. In short, I had to abandon everything that gives my life meaning.-RealityTruck V.1"

• "I don't think I have what it takes to be obscenely weathy...namely, money.- Reality Truck V.1." And then he writes, "The Second Coming: Fall 2010. Pray." [And that is when I wondered why he isn't on my payroll as publicist.]

• "I'd never in my life been so happy to see a person in white shoes. - Reality Truck V.1." He adds, "Shoe on the other foot? Fall 2010: RT: The Sequel

•   "I have to say there aren't too many friends who'll come over with a spade on their lunch hour and help you bury a dead body.-RealityTruckV.1" (I should maybe clarify, that passage was about my late cat, Steve, and not the Stalker also named Steve, who came along a couple years later, and is, as far as I know, still alive.)

• "I may be poor, but here are two words I pray you'll never hear in the same breath as my name: Miss. Clairol.- Reality Truck V.1"

• "The downside is, nothing in my life *goes* with this hair. No *one* goes with this hair.- Reality Truck V.1"

• "@MissKristina It is fun to SQUEEEZz Ms. R into anything approximating 140 characters. Glad you're liking it!"

• "Save the date! Reality Truck, the Sequel (in 3D?) rolls into town October 1." [Again, WHY isn't he on the payroll?]

•  "Ellen is busy alienating all her friends, screwing around on her nice boss/boyfriend, wrecking her career and coughing up blood.-RTv.1" [It took me a minute to remember this was a thirtysomething reference. It may be dated, but it's still my favorite memory of the 80s, and the DVDs will be the first movie night in the new place.]

And on a totally unrelated note, he posts:

•  "Lesbian Teen Prom Battle. When I was in high school, the lesbians had NO interest in going to the Prom. And I should know. I took one," along with, "I'm starting to think we could maybe just decide Mayor using #foursquare."

When I suggested we ought to ditch the real Volume 1 and just publish his version as a little chap-book every coffee table in town would need, he responded,  "Need Ralph Lauren paint samples swatches as end paper-- homage to the future as we honor the past."

Done.

I tell him, "but YOUR version of the book is SO much better than mine." He says, "Yeah. That's what they said to KingJames. I hear that didn't turn out so well.