Tuesday, April 28, 2009


One of my best friends mentioned running into an EX friend of mine over the weekend, and then we talked about clarification. Was this girl my EX friend, or a former friend?

She was definitely my EX friend. She divorced me. The short version is: I didn't get along with her husband. She was one of my most favorite friends ever too. I miss her more than any ex boyfriend ever. And when she told me we couldn't be friends anymore, she said the meanest thing anyone's ever said to me: "I wish I'd never met you," (followed by a meticulously detailed long list of every bad thing I'd ever done).

I remember the second she said it, I started playing out the reverse of "It's a Wonderful Life" in my head -- trying to figure out if her life would really have been better if she'd never met me. (Maybe. Maybe not. For one thing, I don't think she'd have met that husband.)

I don't have THAT many ex-friends. I mostly have former friends. People who drift in and out of your life, for whatever reason. I miss a few of them, in that vague "whatever happened to...?" kind of way. If I miss them enough, I try to re-connect.

I have a few close, old friends. Less than a handful.

I have a few new, old friends.

I have a few new, new friends.

I am only really trying to get rid of the Frenemies. One is always trying to get me to go to lunch, and when she does, I just remind myself NO is a complete sentence.

One of my dearest friends asked me how I defined the nuances and I said, "A frenemy can never stand for anything GOOD to happen to you." She's this great, warm, loving person who has this "friend" who always undercuts her successes, and it just makes me crazy to watch it.

Plenty frenemies will be there for you when things are bad. That's a ridiculously low bar for real friendship. Who wouldn't be nice to you after a death in the family? Or after you got fired? Or divorced? (Well, maybe some people wouldn't be, but they're just outright enemies. They don't pretend. And that's ok.)

A frenemy always thinks there's a finite Pie of good things in the world, and if you use any of them up, you're just eating up their share of pie.

I love it when good things happen to my friends. It makes me happy when they're in a good mood. I hate it when bad husbands happen to them.

Before my Ex Friend got married, I asked her if this guy was two things: is he good TO you? Is he good FOR you? (It was a rhetorical question.)

That's my bare minimum measure of what I'd expect in a guy for me, or in a guy who wanted to marry one of my friends. It's not a standard I'd apply for booty-calls or flings, but if vows or change-of-address cards are involved, I gotta know the intentions. (I also have to approve the jewelry.)

Man. I lose more friends that way.

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