Sunday, October 4, 2009

Here. Lick This.

I went to a food show yesterday and ran into an old college buddy who handed me something and said, "here. Lick this."

So, I did.

And then I said, "hey, what about swine flu and all that?" And she said something fairly complicated about salt's anti-microbial properties or something.

Here's what I remembered: she lived on the same floor I did freshman year, and she was smarter than me (smarter than I? smarter than I was?)

I also just tend to revert to college behavior when I run into college classmates, so if one of them hands me something and says "here, lick this," then I just do.

It turns out, it's this pillar of salt you can pour drinks into -- like margaritas. It was delicious. (She also had these slabs of salt you use as, like, a cutting board?)

Man! That is almost as great an idea as the box of wine I bought Friday night. And then served to people. And they drank it too.

I didn't have any, but I was just so in awe of the marketing genius I HAD to buy it.

Instead of branding itself as the drink of choice for Alcoholics who have no time or money to fumble with corks, it re-positions itself as the eco-friendly portable drink of choice for the bohemian bourgeoisie (wouldn't it be great at Shakespeare in the Park we marveled?)... Just add a straw and it's the perfect juice-box for grown-ups.

On the back of the box, it says: Why Bandit, and lists ten reasons. Among them:

Thirty three percent more wine, and then it does the math, 1 liter vs. 750 ml. Now, like everyone else, I refused to learn the metric conversions when I was told to in the 70s -- and it's one of those few vestiges of American Imperialism that still seems to serve us well (but consequently, I don't actually know what 1 liter vs. 750 ml means. But I do know thirty three percent more is probably better.)

Lower shipping weight = less fuel emissions (Barbara Kingsolver would surely be proud).

No corked wine. I vaguely recall reading something about corks being endangered, or causing mercury poisoning in tuna, or whatever, so maybe that's good.

Made largely of Renewable Resources. Of course, "renewable resources" is just
another marketing ploy (it could be made out of small children for all I know...or care, for that matter... because...

Number 1? You can crush it on your forehead.

I thought Jupiter was just making that up, but I'm looking at the label right now and that's what it says. Right above 1.866.JugBoys, which characterizes them as "liberators of fine wine."

About the only thing it doesn't promise is to get you laid.
But maybe that's implied? Understood?
Not sure.
Perhaps you have to buy it in sufficient quantity?
Will report back.

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