Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Emergency Backup Straights

An Emergency Backup Straight's car should parallel-park itself and shoot grainy porn video at the same time.

In addition to a wide variety of Gays (Food Gays, Power Gays, Junior Gays, et al), every Gal needs a few Emergency Backup Straights (or Str8s, if you're on Twitter and conserving characters).

Sometimes the Gays would really like their own Date night out without a third wheel for example. Sometimes your own Designated Straight will have to work, or have childcare duties, or be InTROUBLE and need a TIME-OUT.

I had to use my Backup two nights last week -- back-to-back -- which is a little beyond the call of duty. Who knows what payback will entail, but I'm envisioning some painfully dull summer weddings or perhaps an office retirement party. It's ok. I'm as capable as the next guy of closing my eyes and takin' one for the team.

The job of Emergency Backup Straight is that of plain Friends, with NO benefits though, so it's not one just anybody will sign on for. There might be a free meal or an open bar involved, but that's it. It's not a booty call. But at the same time, they have to commit to Monogamy until the end of the Date (not necessarily the evening), and that's not easy for everybody -- though I have signed my Backup Straight over to various girlfriends at the conclusion of various events, as he reminded all the girls at the table after last Thursday's scheduled programming. I didn't mind; he'd completed his duties, and after that, they were welcome to claw each other's eyes out, though I don't think any of them did.

Up until then, I'm very proprietary and am not above busting out the look that says, "This is mine; that's yours." Because what I am having is always better than what they are having. I don't waste much time coveting my neighbor's anything. That's the beauty of the Emergency Backup Straight -- impeccable manners, perfect clothes, and a cool car are all that's required -- you don't have to take them home where it matters what they read or say or think or watch, or wonder how they voted in the last election. It's better if you just don't know.

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