Monday, November 9, 2009

The Immaculate Lactation

You can't take me anywhere.

I stopped by a lovely art exhibit/cocktail party on the way home from the office tonight and for once I took the advice my Mom gives me every single time she sees me walk out the door, which consists of: "For God's sake, put on some lipstick....and don't you EVER wear a bra?" (That second part sounds like a question, but trust me, it is actually an imperative.)

She's not gettin' any younger, and she doesn't ask for much, so why not humor her? What could go wrong?

Well. I only have two bras. Both Black. One's the everyday variety (and by "everyday," I mean I might wear it half dozen times a year). The other is more a "cocktail" model and has those little gel inserts (or as Chris Rock would call it -- the "your titties ain't that big" model-- I hate that word, but it's funny when he says it).

And just as I was shaking hands with the executive director of something-or-other and the president of something-else, my right boob sprung a leak. And for the record, it's nothing like that episode of Will and Grace where her right breast suddenly starts hosing down a painting by her ex-boyfriend. (Though I think it was the same scenario: someone with a name badge hugged me, and I think their pin pricked the gel insert... Yeah, yeah. If I had a nickel...)

But it wasn't a geyser. It was more like (what I imagine to be) spontaneous (not to mention Immaculate) lactation. 

Luckily, the cocktail hour was hosted by a bunch of guys I knew -- not so luckily, they have a very open/loft-style office space. But I still don't think anybody noticed when I stepped behind a bookshelf, discreetly removed the boobage-sieve, and re-emerged a B-cup. Very Wonder Woman/Superman like. I have a feeling I may have some explaining to do if any of their wives happen to notice the contents of their trashcans tomorrow. (It honestly wasn't the kind of party where people discard their undergarments in the wastepaper baskets -- or at least it wasn't... till I got there.)

More importantly, look what I found when I went looking for an image of a bra. First the bacon model.

Second, the iPod Bra.

Man. Mom may con me into one of these yet.


  1. So wait, your bra sprang (spring-sprang-sprung, right?) a leak? And why have I never seen these gel insert bras?

  2. Well, the gel bras are FABULOUS (all the silicone, none of the surgery) -- I just didn't know Leakage was a potential hazard.
    Couldn't figure out the correct sprung/sprang usage.